So, I’ve had a couple of online profiles since I left my ex. I was ready to start looking right away because I was so unhappy in my marriage – I wanted to find someone who could hold me and show me real love. The first profile that I created was with a one month trial on Match.com. One quiet day at work, I started to create the profile when I got a notification that someone “liked” me. I just about died when I saw it was my ex. He had no way of knowing it was me; I hadn’t uploaded a picture, and was still working on the details of my profile. Not minutes later I got a message saying “Hi”. I immediately messaged back telling him who he was contacting and never heard from him again. I’m pretty sure I didn’t go much further with that profile after that.
Eventually, I did create another account on a free online dating site. I met and dated a few times, but after a year or so, decided I really preferred being alone. After 30+ years with a dominate spouse, being able to do as I pleased was quite liberating. And unfortunately, that meant those I dated didn’t really get much of a chance to get close to me – my need for independence won over.
I still have that profile and have activated it a few times in the past few years. Oh, once in a while I think I’m ready to try again, but after a couple of days of “likes” and messages from rather undesirable prospects, I soon deactivate it again. Well, a few days ago, after a long, wet, dreary weekend, and out of sheer boredom I’m sure, I activated the account once again. After a couple of days, I saw that some prospects had viewed my profile. I have my picture on my profile with a simple description of what I’m looking for. Then one of the profiles that viewed me jumped out at me. There wasn’t a picture (who does that?) but the username was a dead giveaway – VERN19xxxx21. It was my ex (ok – I’m 99% sure). He used to use the nickname Vern all the time and the numbers after are actually my birthdate. It was kind of creepy really – it gave me a bit of a chilly, violated, stalked feeling. I’m ok now, and could care less what he does – but I found it odd that he picked my birthdate!! And seeing my profile picture, why would he bother to click on it? I’ve seen him two times since I moved out (for our Daughter’s university graduations), and both times the best he could do was grunt a hello.
Well, the online account has been deactivated once again. I think he has cured me of activating it again for a very long time. A very clear reminder of why I chose to be single.
After a long day at work yesterday, I decided to just sit down and listen to some tunes – one of my favourite things to do. It’s relaxing, and calming for me. But I realized something last night – the memories that some tunes conjure up are somehow affecting me differently.
I’ll try and explain with one very vivid memory that has been with me for almost 37 years. When I was 17, I had been dating Brian. He was so freaking handsome, smart and funny. He was the one who introduced me to The Stones and The Beatles. My stepfather was very strict and rock and roll was not allowed. But by 1981 the hold he had on me was loosening and I was starting to become braver and explore the world outside his clutches. Anyway, back to Brian and my memories. Some months into our dating, we spent a quiet evening alone at my house. He had a surprise for me. He put “Nights in White Satin” on the stereo, took me in his arms and we danced while he told me for the first time that he loved me. He was and always will be my first love, my first everything. Some months later, for reasons I really don’t understand, I broke it off with Brian when he went back to university, and I started dating the one whom I eventually married…a terrible mistake … a story for another day. For the past 37ish years, every time I heard “Nights in White Satin” it would trigger all kinds of emotions and feelings from sadness or regret for whatever happened with Brian to happiness for the memories of that beautiful relationship. That’s what happens when we listen to music – it’s the connection to so much in our lives. We’re all the same, but last night I realized something that has never happened to me before. I felt the love from Brian like it was yesterday. It made me smile inside while I sang along but the sadness and pain weren’t there. I think while I was in my unhappy and lonely marriage, those songs just amplified my sadness. Making me wish I could go back. But last night I realized that as I am becoming stronger and more content with my single life, I can enjoy the memories for what they really were and not what I am/was missing. I can’t turn back time but I can close my eyes and listen to the tunes that shaped who I am.
What tunes trigger your fondest memories? You already know about Brian introducing me to The Stones and all rock and roll. Mrs Robinson reminds me of my late brother Timmy; I can still picture him singing it – and it brings me to tears every time. Timmy loved Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin, I can still see the posters on his wall. Those were the last few years before he passed, time I turned that frown upside down and enjoy those tunes with Timmy 🙂
Enjoy you weekend. Spring is finally here in Eastern Ontario so I know it will be a great weekend for this single girl….. I’m gonna crank those the tunes and see what other lovely memories I can conjure up!!
I was cleaning out some old files and came across this little ditty that I wrote a couple of years ago….
No one knew the shame
The heartache and pain,
She hid it well,
She did not tell
Then came the day
Her soul awakened.
The horror and the tears
She faced her fears.
Where did the time go?
She wakes to a new day
A new life, a whole life –
More than mother and wife
She dreams of
Peace, Love and Hope.
She opens her heart…
A fresh new start.
I wrote this poem after my separation and had started living on my own. I had been in therapy for a few years after an incident unleashed all the horrors of my childhood sexual abuses. As I became stronger, I was able to stand up for myself and leave a marriage that I had been unhappy in for quite some time – too long really. Therapy gave me the strength to find myself, to believe that I could do this “single” thing.
I hope you have a wonderful day and find some good in each day as you ride this single journey. That you believe in yourself first. That you take care of you and let others learn to take care of themselves.
As I sat last night watching an old movie – a love story with the everlasting love ending, it made me think about real life. Of course I want the fairy tale too – it’s fun to dream, that’s why I watch those movies. But, like I said before, I’m happy right now. My time will come – he’s out there waiting for me – and I will find him. Until then, I have this one life to live for me. But, the thing that made me think last night were the recent events in the lives of some of my friends and acquaintances. Too many of them actually – both men and women, so lonely and afraid to be alone that they will do anything, jump into relationships too quickly, be with anyone or just plain settle with someone. I’ve listened to them talk about how sad and lonely they are – to the point of depression. Not one of them have sought professional help, much to my constant encouragement and support. And now, to be honest, I have found it draining to the point of distancing myself from them for a bit.
So, to you, my single friends, I want to say. It’s not worth it. Love yourself first. We get a very short time in this life, and it goes really fast. I know, I’m 54 years old!!!! But, the one constant is that you will always have, is you to depend on. Get to know you and what you want and need. And then, when you meet someone, take your time and don’t sacrifice the things about yourself that you now know, just to be with someone. I’m not talking about little things like which side of the bed to sleep on, but your inner self. Be honest, if you have intimacy restrictions then voice them from the beginning and please by all means never give in to satisfy your partner. Or, if you have broken up with someone who wants you back but you know it’s wrong, please don’t go back. If you are in an unhappy relationship, don’t stay. All to avoid being alone???? Listen to your inner voice. Haven’t we been told this our entire lives? If it doesn’t feel right then it probably isn’t. Well, the same goes for our souls. Sacrificing one’s self to avoid being alone isn’t the answer. You deserve so much more. I know the thought of walking away from any relationship is scary, and yes it will require strength but the peace of knowing you have saved yourself is so much more rewarding. And when you do find someone, and it feels right, take your time. You will appreciate each other so much more and create a lasting relationship built on growing together.
I should tell you that I have single friends who are extremely happy. They live fulling lives. One loves her home and the solitude of being alone. Another has travelled quite extensively – alone. When I asked if it was lonely, he explained he’s never alone on his travels. Sitting at the airport, he meets people heading to the same destination, and while on vacation, they socialize together. How sweet is that ?
I’ve kind of rambled on today. I guess I was frustrated seeing people close to me sell their souls in the name of companionship – yet I don’t see happiness in their eyes. Heartbreaking really.
Well, spring is only a few short weeks away – and here in south eastern Ontario, the sun is out and the weather is lovely. Time to open the windows, and get on with my day. I hope you have a wonderful day my friends. Stop by a mirror and smile at the lovely person you are. Love yourself.
I hope you have a Wonderful Weekend. I hope you woke to the birds singing like I did. Here in southeastern Ontario we are getting a bit of a reprieve from winter. Enough to open the windows a crack and let in some fresh air. Funny how a little warmth, fresh air, birds singing and squirrels scampering around can take away the winter blues. I think I see the sun trying to peek through the clouds. Yay!!!! I know we’re in for more cold, but it’s nice for today.
What are your plans for today? Remember, being single doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a gorgeous day like this… or everyday really. I’ve got the tunes playing and have been busy with my usual Saturday morning cleaning and laundry. But I definitely see a nice walk outdoors after lunch. And if my lifetime best friend Kate is up for a visit later on, then off I will go.
Tonight I’ll catch up on This is Us and probably crack out my knitting. Simple pleasures really are special. I have learned to slow down and enjoy peaceful activities like reading, writing, listening to music – me time. Try it, it’s quite lovely really.
Have a wonderful day my friends.
Why do I say that? Well, I’m a 54 year old divorcee and have been on my own for a little over 7 years and I am still single – by choice. I often have people ask me if I’m sad and lonely. I am not. I’m content and actually a stronger and happier ME. I left a 25 year marriage for a variety of reasons, perhaps I’ll share them someday, but that’s not important right now. I will say, the first day I spent alone in my new home gave me an immediate sense of calm. I could do as I wanted, be who I wanted and live how I wanted….ooops, did I just let a hint of why I left slip out ??? If you are at the beginning of your journey of “starting over” – have faith – you too can find yourself and learn to love yourself. I will admit it did require hard work and commitment plus help from my amazing therapist Dr. Julie Gowthrope; but learning to love yourself first and all that you have to offer is such a rewarding feeling. I’m not saying I aspire to be alone forever, I still dream about my “Knight in Shining Armour” – a girl can always dream. I have dated a few times since being on my own, but I have discovered that I’m not ready to share myself just yet. There have been two very promising fellas, who were very kind and I’m sure I could have had a future with either of them, but my heart just would not allow me to get too close. I have family and friends that say I will regret those decisions, and the longer I stay alone, the less likely I will find that Knight. Only time will tell, I suppose. But, I also believe being alone is a perfectly fine way to live. I wake up each morning with a smile on my face, I go to work every day to a job that I am very fortunate to enjoy, but most importantly – I like who I am. And that I believe, is a pretty good start. I know not everyone can move on like I did, we are all different, but each of us deserves the truest love of all and that’s to love yourself first.
I just wanted to share a little something that is on the “about me” part of my Facebook account.
Today and always….
I am who I am, not who anyone thinks I should be,
I think what I think, not what anyone wants me to think,
I feel what I feel, not what anyone wants me to feel,
I share what I choose to share, not what anyone wants me to share,
I express myself the way I want, not how anyone thinks I should.
I will not be moulded
I will not be used
I will not be silenced
I will not be judged
Your therapist will help with this transition towards Positive Statements. That part where we think we feel useless and unworthy, unloved – after time you will look into the mirror and say:
I am beautiful
I am a survivor
I did nothing wrong
I am strong!!!